Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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