Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
