My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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