i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I believe in your delicious
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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