Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
