She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
