guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
