you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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