So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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