This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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