I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
