well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
