Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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