why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Randomize
