I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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