two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
