the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she told me i tasted like america
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
