im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
