Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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