I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
