She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize