Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Randomize
