You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
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