I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
