You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
