Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
