i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
