Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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