...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
