So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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