dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We left the knife in your bed.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
