I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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