Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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