Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
