i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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