I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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