I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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