I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
