Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
