The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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