brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
