never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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