You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
