every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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