I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
