im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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