I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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