My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
