guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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