This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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