did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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