In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
