The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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