I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
