You're my little dorito
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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