Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
