I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
