his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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