Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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