don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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