Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
