Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
