I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
