I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
